Mother Nature, The Stepmom From Hell

Mother Nature, I am sure you’ve heard of her. She treats me like I’m her stepchild. I’m an expert on recognizing flawed stepmoms. I have had plenty experience with observing foolish stepmom behavior including everything from screwing up Shake N’ Bake chicken to spending energy bill money on clothes from Value City. Side note, I wouldn’t wish Shake N’ Bake chicken on my toughest foe’s dinner plate. Before we advance, I have to say Shake N’ Bake chicken is a sin and it should only exist in Mortal Kombat as a fatality move.

Anyway, Mother Nature is the one that can make humans sweat and freeze all at the same time. Yes, that’s the sort of behavior she likes to engage in and she makes piss poor decisions every time. She is rude and disrespectful, especially to those of us living in the Midwestern United States.

The summer weather hysteria has already begun without warning of course. Everything from the badass young people creeping around leaving Jordan shoe prints everywhere in the neighborhood to the unbearable heat has started.

It’s not even June and the temperature outside already feels like the Devil and the Sun are slap boxing with each other. No one has enough baby powder to keep dry from all of Mother Nature’s steam room antics.

I wish we could all just walk outside naked without judgment, but Adam and Eve’s nosy asses messed that up long ago. They messed it up over an apple. Not over a piece of birthday cake or a donut, but an apple!

I bet if Mother Nature were a human she would probably be worse. She would be that mom that is always buying her kids junk food instead of real food with her EBT card. Her wig would probably smell like cigarettes and chitterlings (or chitlins for all my ebonics speaking people).

Mother Nature isn’t being nurturing like she is supposed to be. On top of her making the weather around me miserable, Mother Nature has the nerve to make the hot weather an invitation for insects to come out and play. The 24-hour warm weather outside is like a Dave and Buster’s for insects, gross.

I already don’t like humans and have actually wished you all away many times, but you mean I have to go outside and worry about insects flying in my face too? Mother Nature always makes me look like an idiot as I defend myself against flying bugs by windmilling them.

Yes. I windmill flying bugs, it’s probably a more interesting fight than that Mayweather versus Pacquiao prom dance you all bet your MetroPCS bill money on.

I just want for her to make better decisions. I am not asking this woman to be perfect. I’m waiting on some mythical CPS van full of cupcakes and air conditioning to take me away and save me from her. Mother’s Day is fast approaching and I hope Mother Nature has a super, magnificently, horrible day.

“Either you deal with what is the reality, or you can be sure that the reality is going to deal with you.” Alex Haley