Parents, Agents of Good or Evil?

Now don’t get me wrong parents and parent figures deserve all the respect in the world most of the time. Whether your parents are Jay-Z and Beyoncé or Master Splinter and the Green Ooze; your parents have been shady and evil from the beginning. I know what you’re thinking. How can my parents be shady and evil after all the Christmas presents, trips to Disney Land, trips to Popeye’s, home cooked meals, and etc? I know many of you grew up on boxed mac and cheese, canned sweet potatoes, and minute rice, but just pretend that’s a home cooked meal for now. How are your parents shady and evil? Is the question you still need answered, right?

I only have one answer. You didn’t ask to be here, but they brought you here anyway. They brought you into this world, made you think their way, and had the nerve to boss you around for 18 years. Sounds like some form of slavery or colonization if you ask me. Who said you wanted to be bossed around? And they have the nerve to get attitudes when you ask them for stuff. If your child randomly asks you to pick apples from a tree on Jupiter, then guess what you need to do? After all, it was you who created something because you thought it was cute. Your parents brought you here and get all sassy when you need some money. How dare you be upset when you brought me here, I had nothing to do with this.

You brought me into this world with spiders, unsweetened tea, bills, sugar free snacks, and vegetables. How careless can you be? I should be able to act a damn fool everyday and you shouldn’t have any say so. And when you ask, “So what did you do with the money I gave you last week?” What the hell do you mean? I spent it and I need more. No one told you to not be a millionaire before you brought me here. You wouldn’t have to give up money if you would’ve just put the Hennessey down, turned the Marvin Gaye off, and kept your body to yourself now would you?

Parents just couldn’t resist bringing people into this miserable world. They pick your name, gender, and your first house. How do you know that child wanted the name Sir Rupert Douglass Worthington IV? How did you know that child wanted to be a girl or a boy or either? Why did you decide to take that child back home to your little beginner’s apartment? Why didn’t you have a mansion available? They have the nerve to bring other humans to this planet without consent of the child and when they bring you here they offer you the basics.

I wish there was an option for babies to go back to wherever they came from. There needs to be like an initial interview process for parents. Assuming babies would be given the ability to understand the world as an adult. I mean adult as in a halfway intelligent adult because some of you have the mental capacity of a fruit fly. Parents need to be asked questions and allow babies to do extensive background checks. Babies should be able to ask important questions such as:

·      On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your peach cobbler?

·      Do you watch anime?

·      Is your house spider proof?

·      Can you fight?

·      Do you eat an excess amount of genetically modified foods?

If the child is not satisfied, the child should be able to go back to “living” a peaceful life without public restrooms and low-fat ice cream. The potential parents will then be banished back to the hood they claim and their memories will be wiped clean by the Men in Black.

“We have to talk about liberating minds as well as liberating society.” -Angela Davis-